I still haven't used my new lawn mower...

...but I'm getting closer. Today I read the Instruction Manual, and boy, am I glad I did! There's a lot more to this grass-cutting stuff than I realized.

Let's start with my own personal preparation. It begins by saying:

DRESS PROPERLY. Do not wear loose clothing or jewelry. They can be caught in moving parts...

No problem there. I almost never wear those long, flowing robes that Arabs or Indians wear--only on Halloween, as a matter of fact. I sure wasn't planning on wearing them to cut the grass. And the only jewelry I own is a wedding ring. I doubt that will be an issue.

...Rubber gloves, long pants and substantial, non-skid footwear are recommended when working outdoors.

"Non-skid footwear?" What does that mean? No wing-tips? This is getting complicated. But wait, there's more:

USE SAFETY GLASSES AND OTHER SAFETY EQUIPMENT. Use safety goggles or safety glasses with side shields, complying with applicable safety standards and, when needed, a face shield. Also use face or dust mask if operation is dusty. This applies to all persons in the work area. Also use a hard hat, hearing protection, gloves, safety shoes and dust collection systems when specified or required. Safety glasses or the like are available at extra cost at your local dealer or Black & Decker Service Center.

Wow! Apparently my neighbors either didn't read their instruction manuals or they just don't have a Black & Decker like mine. They just seem to walk out the door and cut the grass. It doesn't look like they've prepared at all! So let me see if I've got this straight. According to the manual, I should wear a hard hat and a face shield. (Might as well; it sounds more substantial than just safety goggles or safety glasses with side shields. After all, this is serious stuff.) I also need to wear a face or dust mask underneath the shield, that is, if I don't use a "dust collection system," whatever that is. And let's not forget the hearing protection, rubber gloves, long pants, and substantial, non-skid safety shoes (again, I have no idea what that means). This must be more dangerous than I thought! No wonder I've been leaving it to professionals all these years. Oh, and this applies to all persons in the work area. And who might that be? Do they think I'll have some team out there with me? My lawn is only a little bigger than my garage. At least you'll have no trouble distinguishing me from my neighbors when you drive down my street on the 4th of July. I'll be the one who looks like he's wearing a hazmat suit.

The manual then goes on to discuss the proper use of the mower itself. It says:

USE RIGHT APPLIANCE. Do not use the mower for any job except that for which it is intended.

For what other job could I possibly use it? Also,

Operate mower only in daylight or good artificial light when objects in the path of the blade are clearly visible from the operating area of the mower.

Artificial light? What, like a miner's helmet? Do they sell those at the Black & Decker store, too?

Never operate mower in a closed area.

What the hell is a "closed area?" Like my living room? I don't know what that means. And then there's this:

Clear the area where the mower is to be used of objects such as rocks, sticks, wire, toys, bones, etc., which could be thrown by the blade.

Makes sense, but where do they think I live with all that crap in my front yard, Appalachia? And bones? This is my lawn, not some archaeological dig, for heaven's sake.

There's a lot more; it's quite extensive. But I have to get going. I have to get outfitted so I can cut my grass.