I just picked up my Honey Baked Ham...

...and wouldn't you know it--I'm not the only guy in town that's having ham tomorrow! Apparently it's very popular on Easter. I know because when I showed up at the Honey Baked Ham store at one o'clock in the afternoon the line was out the door and onto the sidewalk. Who would ever think it would be so crowded on the day before Easter? So I asked the guy in front of me the most intelligent question I could think of at the time, "Is the line moving?" And of all the possible answers he could have given me, "Yes," "No," or even "I don't know," I sure didn't expect the one he chose.

"It's moving forward."

I didn't ask him which direction it was moving; I was pretty confident that it wasn't moving backward. But before I could respond he took a call on one of those blue tooth cell phones he had attached to his ear. At first I thought he was expanding on his unintelligible answer, but I was soon distracted by the next guy behind me, who started ripping into his wife on his cell phone about the long line. Something told me his wife ordered the ham and sent him to pick it up instead of napping in front of the Cubs game all afternoon. "That's what I said, Dear, it's about an hour wait!" An hour, I thought! I didn't bring a hat and the sun was beating down on my bald head. I briefly considered running back to the car to get it but I didn't think this would be the type of crowd that would let me back in easily. They all seemed to have a short fuse and although I have never actually seen one, it made me think that this is what a lynch mob looks like. You'd never know it was just a bunch of people waiting on line to pick up hams. So I stayed, and not wanting to be the only troglodyte not bitching at his wife on an electronic device, I texted her, "You should see the line!" And my wife, who is well-known for her empathy, texted me back immediately, "tough shit just get the ham," without any capitals or punctuation.

By this point we had gotten in the door only to find one of those snake lines that used to be common at banks. Now the guy behind me was getting really steamed. This had to have taken us at least five minutes! It was at about this time that another older guy noticed his Notre Dame sweatshirt and asked him if he went there. "No," was the reply, "but my son did." "So did mine!" said the first. Before they could get much further I figured it would be a good time to ask them what they thought of the budding controversy involving Obama's commencement speech in May. And much to my surprise they both had different opinions on the subject and felt very strongly about them, too. I would have liked to have stuck around to hear the debate, but just then I was called up to the counter to claim my ham. I hadn't felt so important since the last time I walked across the stage to collect my diploma. I was very polite, though; I didn't want to blow it like Elaine did with the Soup Nazi. I didn't dare come home without the main course. When the lady asked me if I wanted to see the ham I said "Sure," since everyone else felt compelled to inspect the goods. I didn't know what I was supposed to say when she unwrapped it so carefully, so I just said "Yep, that's a ham, all right!" She resealed it with a look on her face that practically said, "I can't believe I only have to do this a hundred more times until six o'clock!" That got me thinking, and I asked her if there would still be hams available if someone showed up as they were closing their doors. She got another exhausted look on her face and dropped her head so she could look at me over the tops of her glasses. "Yes," was all she said. I took this as my cue to pay her and get out.

When I emerged from the store the line outside was even longer than when I got there. Everyone looked nervous and appeared to be bitching at their significant others on their cell phones. With my eyes staring straight in front of me I couldn't resist saying loudly but to no one in particular, "You'd better hurry up, they're running out of hams in there!"