I think it was Jerry Seinfeld...

...that first called my attention to the custom of saying "God bless you!" after someone sneezes. He wondered if a better response wouldn't be "You are so good looking!" instead.

I've never been one to say "God bless you!" after someone sneezes because I never saw the point in it. What effect could my saying that possibly have on someone else? But I've noticed that when I don't say anything after someone sneezes I often get a dirty look from the person who sneezed. If two or more people are present who both say "God bless you!" everyone then looks at me as if it's now my turn. If I don't say anything I get three dirty looks. How dare you just sit there and not say "God bless you!"

I refuse to be bullied, however, and came up with my own solution to the problem. I now say "God bless you!" but only when someone coughs, not when they sneeze. This drives people crazy! It usually stops them dead in their tracks:

"I didn't sneeze; I coughed," they'll say.

"I know."

"So why did you say 'God bless you?' "

"I don't know; I thought it would be a nice thing to say, I guess." Now the other person starts getting mad. Inside, I'm starting to chuckle.

"But I coughed! I didn't sneeze!" they bark.

"So?"

"So you're supposed to say 'God bless you!' after someone sneezes, not coughs!"

"I know, but I do it a little differently."

"You can't do that!"

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Do you want me to take it back?"

It usually continues on in this vein until the other person gets completely frustrated and walks away. I then take mental notes as to what worked and what didn't.

Look, I know I'm being a bit of a jerk, but I figure that coughing is probably more indicative of a life-threatening disease than sneezing, anyway, so maybe I have the more appropriate response. It could be the first sign of the Swine Flu! At any rate, if saying "God bless you!" doesn't help at all when you sneeze, it sure can't hurt when you cough.