It's nothing concrete, just a bunch of little things, but I feel really down today. From the minute I woke up (at 4:30 for breakfast) I've had this cloud of sadness overhanging. I am so fucking depressed. I knew a day like this was looming. For days now I have been trying to convince myself that this ordeal is doable, I'm strong enough to get through it. Today the dark forces took over. I can't stop thinking about my sons.
In attempt to cheer myself up, I called my younger son Philip. He brought me up to date on his summer, typical teenage boy activities; hanging out with his friends, sleeping late, playing sports, etc. No matter how shitty I feel, no matter how helpless and removed I am, I will never let them know the depths of my sadness. It is critical that I always stay strong when speaking or writing to them. I will always try and maintain the same composure when dealing with my Mother & Father. I know they are suffering right along side of me, and my Mom, if given the chance, would want to do this time for me. I have put them through a lot, no doubt. Dad is 85, my Mom 81. And no matter how sharp and strong they are, these ages don't lie; it takes a toll, witnessing your child sent off to prison. They have such faith however, never have I seen such love and devotion, their hearts ache for me. As mine does for them. I will never forget walking into their bedroom the night before sentencing, knowing there was a strong possibility this would be the last time I saw them, God forbid something happens to them while I'm gone.
Four inmates left this morning, sure enough only hours later their beds were already being occupied with new prisoners. The beat goes on.