For those of you who know me...

...you know that I spend an inordinate amount of my time (heck, all of my spare time) at one of two places: the dentist or the emissions testing center, neither of which with good results. In fact, tomorrow I'm going to take the Honda back after failing a few weeks ago. (If you remember, my van flunked the test about five times last summer; my ancient convertible managed to pass on its first try.) So if tomorrow means another emissions test, then yesterday must have meant--you guessed it--another dentist appointment.

Now, while my dentist is a nice lady, she's kind of like that gear-head friend you may have had in high school. You know, the guy who was always working on his car because there was always something wrong with it--usually something only he would know about. And that's my dentist; she always manages to find something wrong! Or maybe you saw "The Bottle Deposit" episode from Seinfeld. Brad Garrett, of "Everybody Loves Raymond" fame, played Tony, Jerry's auto repairman:

JERRY: Now I gotta take the car down to Tony and get it checked out.
KRAMER: Ah, Tony, he's good.
JERRY: Yeah, he's real good. But he's so obsessive about the car. He
makes me feel guilty about every little thing that's wrong with it. I gotta get
it washed before I bring it down to him, or I'm afraid he'll yell at me.

[Auto Shop]
Jerry and Tony stand beside the Saab. Jerry looks worried and Tony is
Looking like he's in love with the car. He runs his hands over the roof and
along the lines of the bodywork. Tony is a little intense.
TONY: (lovingly) Oh, yeah. I remember this car. Beautiful car.
JERRY: Yeah. So, anyway, the engine's been idling a little rough. I
thought it might be time for a check up...
Tony isn't hearing Jerry. He climbs into the driver's seat and begins
Ferreting about.
JERRY: There's really nothing wrong on the inside.
TONY: Well, the shift knob is loose. You know about that?
JERRY: No, I hadn't noticed.
TONY: (accusingly) Have you been picking at it?
JERRY: Have I been picking at it? No. You know. It's just wear and
tear.
TONY: (disapprovingly) Wear and tear. I see.
JERRY: The engine is really the only thing that needs checking.
TONY: You been rotating the tires?
JERRY: Try to.
TONY: (sharp) You don't try to. You do it! Fifty-one percent of all
turns are right turns. You know that? 'Try to.'

[Outside Auto Shop]
Jerry looks a touch anxious as Tony approaches. Tony is still real
intense.
JERRY: Hey, Tony.
TONY: Thanks for coming in, Jerry.
JERRY: Sure.
TONY: I think I know what's goin' on here, and I just wanna hear it
from you. But I want you to be straight with me. Don't lie to me, Jerry. You know
that motor oil you're puttin' in there? (reproachful) From one of those
quicky lube places, isn't it?
JERRY: Well, I change it so often, I mean to come all the way down
here...
TONY: Jerry, motor oil is the lifeblood of a car. Okay, you put in a
low-grade oil, you could damage vital engine parts. Okay. (holds up component)
See this gasket? (throws it down) I have no confidence in that gasket.
JERRY: I really wanna...
TONY: Here's what I wanna do. I wanna overhaul the entire engine. But
it's gonna take a major commitment from you. You're gonna have to keep it under
sixty miles an hour for a while. You gotta come in, and you gotta get the oil
changed every thousand miles.
JERRY: How much money is this gonna cost me?
TONY: (contempt) Huh. I don't understand you. It's your own car we're
Talking about. You know you wrote the wrong mileage down on the form? You
barely know the car. You don't know the mileage, you don't know the tire pressure.
When was the last time you even checked the washer fluid?
JERRY: The washer fluid is fine.
TONY: (angry) The washer fluid is not fine!
JERRY: Alright, you know what, uhm... I just wanna take my car, and I'm
gonna bring it someplace else.
TONY: What d'you mean?
JERRY: Just, can I have my car? I wanna pay my bill, I'm gonna be on my
way.
TONY: Well, the car's on a lift.
JERRY: Well, just get it down.
TONY: (subdued) Alright. Okay. Well, uhm, wait here and I'll uh, I'll
bring it around.
JERRY: Okay. Thank you, very much.
Tony walks away into the auto shop. Elaine arrives.
ELAINE: Hey. Where's the car?
JERRY: He's bringing it.
ELAINE: Good.
There is the sound of a car starting up, then a squeal of tires and
Jerry's Saab emerges from the auto shop at high speed. It passes Jerry and Elaine and
Races away down the street. They stare open-mouthed after the car, and at
each other in astonishment.

Well, maybe Dr. Jensen isn't quite that bad, but in the last couple of years she's prescribed a mouthguard for me to wear at night, extra-strength fluoride prescription toothpaste, recommended I buy some fancy $100 electric toothbrush, and yesterday gave me some special toothbrush just to get at my back teeth. She even gave me a hard time for not getting the prescription toothpaste since I last saw her--just like Tony would! Not only that, but since I'm always there my wife is starting to think I'm having an affair. Sheesh!

I hope the emissions test goes well tomorrow.