Before being sentenced I read quite a bit about the effect that doing prison time has on a person, both before & after. While yes, I know it's only been very brief so far, I'm sure the post-traumatic stress never fully leaves you. Already I carry such an amount of sadness, remorse, guilt and shame. Negativity is rampant. I fight hard against wallowing in it however, I will be looking for the positive spirit that I know can be gained here, somehow. Only a month in and I can tell you, that when I do regain me freedom someday, there will never be a time when I am not so utterly grateful for all the Lord has given me. I can't help but think of all the complaining and negative energy I have given off for so many years now. Rarely living in the now, soaking up all the beauty that was in front of me.
In the town where I grew up (Short Hills, NJ) and resided most of my life, the majority of folks know what has happened to me. I try not to think of the gossip or the nasty, mean-spirited words that are being used to describe me. A good ol' fashioned kick him while he's down. Fine, say what you want, but please, please, don't let my sons come under this type of fire, don't you dare say anything to them. I am so sorry I am here!
I have friends who never left my side during all this, I will forever be grateful. There are others, even though I haven't hurt them in any way, have already written me off. I understand though, I do.