Constantly I find myself going back to where I was a week ago. Not sure why I punish myself with this train of thought, but I can't help it. The contrast from where I am now is two different worlds. I was playing golf with my sons Brooks & Phil, enjoying our last days together as I thought about all the special moments (Birthdays, holidays, Brooks High School graduation, Sr. college tour, etc...that I will miss out on. I am so sad and depressed. We had gone out to dinner, and I sat there stealing glimpses of the looks on their faces, the smiles. I am almost certain I will not want them to visit me while I am away.
The lights here at Rikers go out at Midnight, but that means nothing; the noise and hollering continue until the wee hours. I am so tired, hopefully I can fall asleep quickly tonight. My cot is at the end of the dorm, as far away from the night CO on duty as possible. I'm a little nervous with this but it was the only bed available when I arrived. Out of the 50 in this room, about 2 or 3 are white. Wake up is at 4:00 am, I have no idea why so early. Breakfast is wheeled in on a cart, we grab a tray, the slop is spooned out and then we head back to our beds to sit and eat. Oh God please help me survive.
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