I like to cook, or should I say...

...I like to eat. And since I don't have unlimited funds, and since the portions in restaurants today are so ridiculously huge, and since most of the food they serve isn't even that good for you, I've learned how to cook.

According to Michael Pollan, if you want to eat right, you need to prepare your own meals. He's the guy who said you should eat real food, not too much of it and mostly plants. (In other words, take it easy on the Vienna hot dogs and fries.)

So when I read the newspaper now, I don't skip over the food section like I used to. I at least skim it. And in today's Times, the Dining section has a piece, "D. I. Y. Cooking Handbook." Beautiful! I'm always looking for ways to improve my skills in the kitchen:

If you live in an apartment, or tend to let surplus vegetables die in the crisper drawer, you may think that that the do-it-yourself food movement does not apply to you. Not so.

What follows is a D.I.Y. starter kit: small kitchen projects that any cook can tackle. What they all have in common is that they are simple, seasonless and a clear improvement on the store-bought version. Many books on craft food are daunting: full of advice on how to put up bushels of kale or bury an old washing-machine drum to use as a root cellar. Nothing here requires special equipment, a shed or a backyard; no canning or even freezing is involved.

Before getting underway, it's not necessary to understand lactic fermentation, or to learn the difference between bacon and pancetta.

This must have been written especially for me!

Let's have a look at the menu, shall we? Preserved lemons, vin d'orange, kimchi, tesa ... what is all this stuff?

Wait a minute; here's something I recognize: fresh cheese. (My local grocery store carries hundreds, maybe even thousands, of types of cheese. But what the heck; let's keep an open mind here. Might learn something.)

Technically, this formula (adapted from a new book about self-sufficient eating, "The Feast Nearby," by Robin Mather) produces fromage blanc. But to me it is the cream cheese of dreams: delicious, without the stiffeners in packaged cheese.

To ensure good results, use real rennet for cheesemaking: not the rennet sold at the health-food store, and not the tablets sold online for making junket desserts. (Who are you, junket makers?) If your cheese does not set, no worries: you have just made a large quantity of delicious crème fraîche.

Fromage blanc? Rennet? Creme fraiche? What on earth are they talking about? Serenity now, serenity now...

In a wide pot set over low heat, warm 1 gallon whole milk, or a combination of half cream and half milk, to 80 degrees. The milk or cream should be as fresh as possible, and preferably not ultra-pasteurized. Remove from the heat and stir in 1/4 cup cultured buttermilk and 1 tablespoon rennet solution (diluted according to the package directions). Cover loosely and set aside at warm room temperature (about 75 degrees) for 8 to 12 hours. The mixture is set when there is a layer of thick curds, like Greek yogurt, on top of clear why. Pull the curd away from the edge of the pot to check.

Turn up the heat in the house to 75 degrees? For 8 to 12 hours? Should I put my bathing suit on while I'm at it?

Line a colander with a large square of cotton cloth, at least 2 feet per side. Don't use cheesecloth, as the weave is too loose. A large tea towel or bandanna (even an old pillowcase, cut open) is better. With a slotted spoon, transfer the curds into the lined colander. Gather up three corners of the cloth and use the fourth corner to wrap around the others, tucking in the end to make a knot. Hang over a floor drain, bathtub or sink in a cool place and let it drip for 6 to 8 hours.

Cheesecloth? Tea towel? What are those? Bandanna? I haven't been to a Grateful Dead concert in decades. Oh, a pillowcase; I have one of those. Hang in the bathtub and "let it drip for 6 to 8 hours?" Seriously? I'm hungry...

When the dripping stops, untie and check the consistency. It should be like soft cream cheese. If it is still wet, mix it with a rubber spatula, retie it, and let it drip a little longer.

Uh, huh.

The cheese will keep, wrapped or in a container, for 2 weeks, and will become more tangy. Or it can be shaped into 4-ounce logs, wrapped well, and frozen for up to 6 months. Thaw in the refrigerator overnight.

Or you can just go to Kaufman's in Skokie.