The Sunday New York Times...

...has a regular feature called "Sunday Routine," in which "famous" New Yorkers describe a typical Sunday. (Let's just say it's not among the Times's best reporting.)

Take one about Donald Trump (above), for example, from last May.

In it we learn that the Donald gets up "early, about 5 or earlier." He first reads the local papers to "find out what catastrophe has befallen the world — what landslide, what tsunami. Then I will take a shower and get in a car and go out to one of [my golf] courses."

Trump is not "a believer in shorts on a golf course. It’s not elegant." Instead, he wears "slacks and a sports shirt." If it's chilly, he'll "wear a sweater."

Fascinating, huh? Wait, it gets better.

For breakfast, Trump has "eggs scrambled or over, with bacon or sausage," but no coffee. You see, he's "never had a cup of coffee or a glass of alcohol in my life. I never liked it. I never liked the caffeine thing. I really don’t need anything to wake up."

After he eats, Trump plays a round of golf, "which will take three to three and a half hours. I will hopefully shoot in the low 70s. Sometimes [wife] Melania and [son] Barron (above, with the Donald) will come up to the club and they watch me beat people at golf."

After beating someone at golf, "there’s nothing better than a cheeseburger with French fries and American cheese." But "sometimes it’s salad. Sometimes it’s lasagna with meat."

Later, Trump has dinner with his wife and son. "She’s a good cook. She has a lot of imagination. She makes spaghetti and meat sauce. She makes chef’s salads. She loves salads. Sometimes she makes meatloaf."

(The whole thing sounds a little like Larry David's impression of George Steinbrenner on "Seinfeld," doesn't it?)



Before he turns in "around 11 or 12," Trump will watch himself on "The Celebrity Apprentice." Sunday, for him, is "just a great day of relaxation, prior to the Monday wars."

Now if you thought that piece was ridiculous (and it was) today's "Sunday Routine," about some dentist named Irwin Smigel -- who's supposedly "famous" for having worked on Elizabeth Taylor's teeth decades ago -- takes the genre to a whole new level of parody. In fact, after you read about Irwin and his wife, Lucia (above), tell me it doesn't sound like something right out of the Onion. (My emphasis.)

These two seventy-somethings begin their day with eggs, "I have soft scrambled, and she has an egg white omelet." 

"We both used to drink coffee, but now my wife is on to green tea. I still drink coffee. Yes, I know it stains the teeth, but it’s worth it. And remember, after breakfast, I always brush my teeth. Twice a day for two minutes. And I use my tongue cleaner and floss."

After breakfast, it's off to explore the city. "My two oldest grandchildren told me about this incredible place called the Boom Boom Room at the Standard Hotel, so a few weeks ago, Lucia and I decided to see it for ourselves. We called and asked when people our age should come there, and the hostess said, “Not after 10 p.m.” So we went for brunch at the Standard Grill and then went up and took a peek at the Boom Boom Room. The kids were right; it’s some place."

Irwin and Lucia like museums, too. "You know, people make a big fuss over me and what I can do for their teeth, but going to the museum, that gives me a good perspective. I really see what genius is."

Then there's the children. Robert (whom I'm sure you've heard of) "is more famous than me: He wrote for 'Saturday Night Live' and Conan, and now he’s writing movies for Adam Sandler."

Irwin then admits to being "very lucky to have two great kids. I’m also lucky to have good teeth; my father was a dentist."

Dinner for the Smigels usually includes "red wine, and, yes, it stains your teeth, but remember, I’m going to brush for two minutes before bed."

Finally, there's bedtime. Irwin allows that, "The most important time of day to brush your teeth is right before you go to bed. You know why? During the day, we swallow 2,000 times, but when we sleep, we may swallow just 20 times, and our mouths get dry. So help me God, you brush for two minutes and that plaque can’t start rolling in."

Makes Manhattan sound really glamorous, doesn't it?