...to death by stoning, and I thought, Do they still do that?Apparently, they do:
The lawyer for an Iranian woman sentenced to be stoned on an adultery conviction said Monday that he and her children are worried the delayed execution could be carried out soon with the end of a moratorium on death sentences for the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
So, I wondered, how exactly does that work? Do they just tie the woman up and throw stones at her until she dies? Doesn't sound very efficient to me.
The lawyer for an Iranian woman sentenced to be stoned on an adultery conviction said Monday that he and her children are worried the delayed execution could be carried out soon with the end of a moratorium on death sentences for the Muslim holy month of Ramadan.
So, I wondered, how exactly does that work? Do they just tie the woman up and throw stones at her until she dies? Doesn't sound very efficient to me.
How many people throw stones? How big are the stones? How far away must the throwers stand? It wouldn't be fair to just walk right up to someone and bash him in the head, would it?
"Hey A******! Get back! You're too close! Can't you see we're all throwing stones here?"
"Sorry. I wasn't clear on the rules. It's my first stoning."
"Obviously!"
And how long would the whole thing last? A half-hour? An hour?
"Can we get this thing done before lunch? I'm supposed to meet a friend of mine at eleven thirty..."
Fortunately, a piece in Slate answers most of these questions:
First, you get buried. Iran's Islamic Penal Code states that men convicted of adultery are to be buried in the ground up to their waists; women, up to their chests.
Why the difference?
If the conviction is based on the prisoner's confession, the law says, the presiding judge casts the first stone. If the conviction is based on witness testimony, the witnesses throw the first stones, then the judge, then everyone else—generally other court officials and security forces.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This could get confusing.
"All right, looks like I'll be throwing the first stone."
"Wait a minute! Her conviction was based on my testimony. Therefore I get to throw the first stone."
"I'm next."
"But you weren't even a witness!"
"Was too!"
Stones must be of medium size, according to the penal code: Not so big that one or two could kill the person, but not so small that you would call it a pebble. In other words, about the size of a tangerine.
"That's a pretty big stone you got there, Mahmoud."
"Oh, no. I checked; it's about the size of a tangerine."
"Pretty big tangerine! I'd say more like a grapefruit!"
The whole process takes less than an hour.
"Hey, we've been doing this for fifty minutes now and she's still breathing. Throw harder, you guys!"
One possible upside of getting stoned is that people who manage to escape from the hole are allowed to go free. But this applies only to those who have confessed to their crimes. (If you were sentenced to stoning on the basis of witness testimony, then digging out of the hole does you no good.) In any case, it's very difficult for anyone to escape the punishment: Prisoners are wrapped in a white cloth sack with their hands tied.
So Harry Houdini would have to be given a different sentence, I suppose.
Stonings in Iran used to be public. Between 1983 and about 2000, anyone could attend and throw rocks. After that, public outcry against the practice grew, and stonings began to be carried out in private, often at a cemetery.
"You goin' to the stoning tomorrow, Abdul?"
"I'd like to, but I can't. The ball-and-chain is dragging me to her cousin's wedding."
"That stinks. Hey, with any luck, maybe the bride will take off her veil and you can stone her."
"Hey A******! Get back! You're too close! Can't you see we're all throwing stones here?"
"Sorry. I wasn't clear on the rules. It's my first stoning."
"Obviously!"
And how long would the whole thing last? A half-hour? An hour?
"Can we get this thing done before lunch? I'm supposed to meet a friend of mine at eleven thirty..."
Fortunately, a piece in Slate answers most of these questions:
First, you get buried. Iran's Islamic Penal Code states that men convicted of adultery are to be buried in the ground up to their waists; women, up to their chests.
Why the difference?
If the conviction is based on the prisoner's confession, the law says, the presiding judge casts the first stone. If the conviction is based on witness testimony, the witnesses throw the first stones, then the judge, then everyone else—generally other court officials and security forces.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This could get confusing.
"All right, looks like I'll be throwing the first stone."
"Wait a minute! Her conviction was based on my testimony. Therefore I get to throw the first stone."
"I'm next."
"But you weren't even a witness!"
"Was too!"
Stones must be of medium size, according to the penal code: Not so big that one or two could kill the person, but not so small that you would call it a pebble. In other words, about the size of a tangerine.
"That's a pretty big stone you got there, Mahmoud."
"Oh, no. I checked; it's about the size of a tangerine."
"Pretty big tangerine! I'd say more like a grapefruit!"
The whole process takes less than an hour.
"Hey, we've been doing this for fifty minutes now and she's still breathing. Throw harder, you guys!"
One possible upside of getting stoned is that people who manage to escape from the hole are allowed to go free. But this applies only to those who have confessed to their crimes. (If you were sentenced to stoning on the basis of witness testimony, then digging out of the hole does you no good.) In any case, it's very difficult for anyone to escape the punishment: Prisoners are wrapped in a white cloth sack with their hands tied.
So Harry Houdini would have to be given a different sentence, I suppose.
Stonings in Iran used to be public. Between 1983 and about 2000, anyone could attend and throw rocks. After that, public outcry against the practice grew, and stonings began to be carried out in private, often at a cemetery.
"You goin' to the stoning tomorrow, Abdul?"
"I'd like to, but I can't. The ball-and-chain is dragging me to her cousin's wedding."
"That stinks. Hey, with any luck, maybe the bride will take off her veil and you can stone her."
To make matters worse, the Iranian woman sentenced to stoning has already been lashed -- by mistake!
In an unusual turn in the case, the lawyer also confirmed that Sakineh Mohammadi Ashtiani was lashed 99 times last week in a separate punishment meted out because a British newspaper ran a picture of an unveiled woman mistakenly identified as her. Under Iran's clerical rule, women must cover their hair in public. The newspaper later apologized for the error.
"We're awfully sorry. But she really did look a lot like you. You two could be twins! Tell you what -- how about a free subscription?"
And why was she lashed 99 times? Did the guy doing the lashing get tired or something? Did he have to get home in time for a Little League game? Was it supposed to be a hundred and he lost count?
"Was that 77 or 78, Ali?"
"I think it was 77."
"You're both wrong. It was 79."
"Should we start over?"
You'd never run into all this in a country like ours. We just strap the guy to a stretcher and give him a lethal injection. Ba-da-bing, ba-da-boom!
this was hysterical... one of the funniest pieces you've written.
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